Letting out all the hurt

Hello there my readers.  I'm not 100% sure why i am making this post but i feel like talking but not sure who to talk to.  So writing it is. 

And just a warning to you sensitive souled people, i'm not intending to hurt anyone's feelings with anything i write.  I'm just trying to make sense of what is running through my head and to get my thoughts 'on paper'.  I'm sorry if anything i say hurts you, but if it does hurt maybe it's best to step back, evaluate the situation and see why what i've said as offended you so much.  Is it because there may be some truth?  i don't know.  Just some things to consider and keep in mind.  But again, i'm sorry if this hurts.  I hurt too. 

For a long time now i have been struggling.  Struggling with my self worth, struggling with my identity, with who i really am.  I struggle with how i react, how i'm supposed to react and what others think.  I spend a lot of time worried about what others think.  a lot of time.  I'm always worried about it and i hate that it bugs me so much.

Growing up i had a lot to deal with.  My dad was abusive (mostly emotional and verbal but some physical) towards everyone in the family (i have 5 siblings).  Just writing that down is extremely hard for me.  It actually makes me want to delete this entire post and forget about the whole thing.  But i feel if i can't explain where i've come from that you won't understand why i'm here.  So as my hand shake i will keep typing to try and help myself.

As i said, my dad is abusive.  And so i grew up in fear my whole life, always walking on egg shells.  I always was trying to be the best child i could be, the most perfect i could be so that he wouldn't be so angry, so that he would love me, because why would someone be so mean and hateful if they loved you?  I grew up not really knowing if i was loved because even if my father said it, he rarely showed it.  And then because of his actions i could not even believe what he said since it contradicted every thing it would say. 

I also grew up with a lot of guilt.  I lot from my father (If i could just do the things he wanted, if i could just not cry, work hard enough, be *good* enough then *i* would be good enough) but also from my mother.  If i expressed how i felt about something she would tell me that it really wasn't that way, or i shouldn't feel that way, or something along those lines.  She would say things in passing that would make me feel guilty about whatever situation it was.  Hard to explain, but lots of guilt.

So i have a hard time knowing how i'm even supposed to feel most of the time.  If i'm feeling sad i feel that i shouldn't feel sad and i have to stop crying RIGHTHISSECOND because that is what has been drilled into me from my father.  Or somehow my mother makes me feel guilty for the way i feel.  I really can't go into details but it's pretty much how it always goes.

I really hate me on the inside because i feel like i'm a complete mess and that it's effecting my relationship with those that matter most, my husband and my daughters.  Our marriage has really been stressed from the very beginning due to me being on hormonal birth control and how crazy it made me.  What kind of crazy you ask? 

well, major depression for one, then anxiety, and the anxiety caused me to start having panic attacks (which i had never had before) and then the panic attacks would cause more anxiety and depression and it was just a big hot mess.  Example.  We'd be laying in bed to go to sleep.  Just because DH wouldn't be cuddling with me my mind would be racing with reasons why he wasn't, until i came the the conclusion that he didn't love me.  I'd start crying and hyperventilating until i just couldn't stand it anymore and i'd lock myself in the bathroom while i proceeded to bang my head repeatedly against the wall and scratch my arms.  I actually had the thought many times that i had made THE BIGGEST mistake of my life and that i needed to get a divorce because i didn't want to end up like my parents.  But then i couldn't bring myelf to do that because i felt incredibly guilty and worried about what 'everyone' would think if i admitted i had made a mistake and wanted a divorce.  But then i was scared to be doomed in a marriage with a spouse who really didn't care about me and didn't love me which would then start the entire cycle all over again.

Did i mention it made me crazy psychotic?  And the worst part was i didn't know why i felt this way.  I knew it wasn't normal but it came out of nowhere and i didn't feel this way until after we had been married.  It wasn't until my dear sister suggested that *maybe* it was my birth control that i started to see the light (what really upsets me is my doctor NEVER said that ANY of those things could be a side effect!  so i never suspected!).  Needless to say i went off of it immediately and i am so thankful i did.  Unfortunately those 5 months really took a toll on our marriage.  A start like that is NO way to start a healthy marriage.

So yeah, pretty stressful start on top of all my baggage from my growing up years.  Then enter our 1st pregnancy.  Everything was going great until our 1st ultrasound when the tec could not find any amniotic fluid.  We were told we'd have to see a specialist ASAP but the soonest we could get an appointment was a week away!  So after a week passed we saw the specialist who told us our baby had cysts in their kidneys and would not live after birth.

Big giant blow in our lives. 

Here we are living 2+ hours away from all family and dear friends and i'm going through a pregnancy with my child who is not going to live.  Even worse we are in a college town and our church ward was full of young married couples.  so everyone in our ward was either A) pregnant, or B) had a child under the age of 3.  I was treated like i had a deadly illness that no one wanted to catch. 

We'd be sitting in class and the lesson would be on service, compassion and all of that and everyone sharing stories of how they helped so and so in this situation or when they were going through ____ trial they were *so* thankful that so and so came to help.  All the wile i am sitting in my row completely alone because no one would sit next to me and bawling my eyes out because i was basically ignored by everyone around me and i had no family or friends to help.  I would then quickly leave the room so i wouldn't make too big of a scene and then of course everyone would come out and ask me how i was and if i needed anything.  I really hated that.  I understand my situation made people uncomfortable but it really hurt for them to say one thing and do the complete opposite.  All i wanted was a shoulder to cry on, for someone to show me some love and compassion while i got ready to go through the hardest thing in my life and i couldn't get it.  I was all alone.

THEN i get misdiagnosed and told i *have* to induce at 32 weeks when really the problme was a misdiagnosed bladder infection (which by the way went untreated for at least 1 week, if not 2 or more to the point where i was in INTENSE awful pain and running 101+ fevers even WITH taking vicodin which has fever reducing medicine in it!  I could have gone septic!!). 

So because i *had* to be induced we were robbed from our home birth experience that we desired so our daughter could be born in the most peaceful, loving environment we could have.  Instead i had to spend 3 days in the hospital being induced and then my daughter had to endure the birth with a rushed uninterested doctor who was in such a hurry for everything to be over that he pulled her out of me, i'm sure causing her harm in the process and then telling us that she was stillborn even though less than a minute later she tried to breath and tried again and again and again.  Never ONCE did that doctor check her for a heartbeat but instead insisted she was dead and that it was just a reaction that her body was having. 

So we never got to have the joy of knowing our daughter was alive and with us and able to hear everything we were saying.  She never was able to hear from her mother and father that we loved her earthside.  We were robbed from one of the most sacred experiences there are and there's nothing we can do about it since the doctors word is "law". 

Then again i had to deal with isolation and abandonment.  We had a total of 4 meals brought in to our home, one from a friend the day we came home from the hospital, and then 3 from our church after we had been home for 4 days and were told we'd have meals brought in as soon as we were home (even though they were informed we were home).  And we only had a weeks worth brought because we were told 'after that you should be feeling *much* better'.  No other friends or family ever brought us anything.  We were left alone with the day to day.  Most days i didn't even want to get out of bed let alone dress, shower or eat. 

I knew i was going to be depressed, i already was.  But also expected to be surrounded with love and support.  We had moved home 2 weeks before her birth and so we were with family and friends again.  We had lots of words of support but not much after that.  I struggled with my grief process because i felt rushed and guilty that i was depressed and upset.  I felt like everyone just wanted me to be better and 'get over it'.  And if i brought the matter up at all people would then say 'of course not, take your time' but then i'd feel the pressure again based on actions and things said.  It was a very hard confusing time for me. 

Then, to complicate things we unexpectedly found out we were expecting again just 6 months after our daughter passed away.  On one small hand we were excited but on the other big hand we were scared to death and worried.  It was hard to be happy when we still felt so much sadness, but the pressure from EVERYONE to 'be happy' again made it hard.  If i'd bring up my grief it seems like others would say 'but you're pregnant again!  Be happy!' as if having another child fixed everything.

If anything it has made things more complicated in ways.  Don't get me wrong, i LOVE my daughter more than i can even express.  She has brought *so much* happiness into my life and i wouldn't trade her for anything.  But it's not that cut and dry.  I still have mountains of unsettled grief buried deep inside me because of all the pressure around me to 'be better' because we have a healthy baby now.  I can't be sad because i have to be happy for her.  I also don't have time to grieve.  We've been blessed with a daughter who has silent reflux and we didn't find this out until she was SEVEN MONTH old!  7 months of pretty much non stop crying at night, never sleeping, never nursing well, crying crying crying.  And even after we found out it didn't fix everything.  7 months is a long time for a child to learn things.  and then throw in that we moved when she was 8 months we moved in with my parents for 3 months and then lived in a house we were renovating, her first year has been HECTIC and so she has no rhythm, no pattern, no way of doing things.  I'M her constant. So she doesn't sleep through the night (not even by a long shot!), struggles to sleep without nursing, and is just very high needs in everything in her life.  

and then the judgment i feel in this aspect in my life is huge.  I feel judgment from every single side of me.  Our circumstances don't seem to matter, only the outcome, and since we do not have the 'good' baby i am a bad parent and not doing things right, even though i'm doing things the best i can for MY baby.

I know i've been going on on a lot of different things but i just felt like i had to write about everything i've having to deal with because i've reached the end and i have taken all i can take.  I'm starting to sink and i feel like everyone is just standing to watch.  I get some sticks thrown at me that are thought to help, but i don't feel people are really listening to my issues.  I'm told often that i just need to pray, or read my scriptures, or go to the temple and it will fix everything.

But what these people don't seem to understand (even when i've tried to explain it) is it's not that easy.  Growing up, those experiences were used as a way of abuse.  So instead of feeling the Spirit of God, i felt the spirit of contention, the spirit of the devil.  It's hard for me to get past these fears and to move on.  I feel very alone and small.  I feel uncared about and unimportant.  I don't like to feel this way, but i don't know how to not feel this way.  When i pray i don't feel like my prayers get past the ceiling, and instead of feeling the Spirit i feel the opposite instead, i feel cold, dark and alone.  And i feel like a bad person for even saying these things because Prayer and Scripture reading are the answer to everything in my 'culture' so to even suggest that i don't want to do them makes me an evil horrible person.  But i have a hard time doing something in my life that makes me feel so insignificant and alone.

And so, i've reached the end of the road.  I cannot stand my periods of break downs anymore (they are coming closer and closer together these last months).  My sister has been setting a path in front of me these last few months and i think i've finally hit bottom enough to follow her lead.  Today i called and set up an appointment to get counseling.  This is extremely hard for me to do because it makes me feel like a failure and i have a VERY hard time asking for help, even when i desperately need it.  I've been trained to put on a 'happy face' and to not let anyone know how things really are.  So it's very difficult for me to even say anything negative or say anything is wrong.  But they are, and they have been for a long time now. 

But i won't let my fears stop me anymore.  I want to be a new person and i want to change how things are.  And the first step is talking with someone who can help me.

Life gets busy, but busy is good

So our life has been a little hectic lately and i'm really looking forward to the future.  *Hopefully* by the end of this month if everything goes well my husband and i will be purchasing our first home (ok, so we won't own it, the mortgage company who is giving us the loan will, but you know what i mean).  This decision came out of left field but we are very excited.  We have always felt that before we would/could buy a house we needed to pay off our student loans (about $9,000) and then save up as close to 20% of a down payment as we could.  Needless to say our loans are not paid off an we only have about a 4% down payment...

But we've put a lot of though into this decision.  To rent a 3 bedroom home where we live is around $1,000-$2,000 + utilities.  Our price range is about $800.  This would maybe get us a run down 2 bedroom which would be ok for now but not for the growing family we want.  One thing i HATE in life is moving.  I cannot stand it!  And so to get a place for only a year or two and then have to move again is NOT my idea of a good time.  So we looked into buying a house.

We decided on what would be a comfortable monthly payment after the mortgage, property taxes, PMI (private mortgage insurance since we do not have the 20% down) and all that other lovely stuff and then that decided our maximum price for a home.  Then we searched for houses online we though we'd like and drove to each house and looked and the neighborhood and the outside of the house.  If we didn't like what we saw we threw the listing out and never thought of it again.  Then we went with our relator and looked at the houses we did like and in the end we found the house we our buying :)

It's a lovely 3 bed 1 bath home around 1,150sqft.  It is listed for $120,000 so our monthly mortgage payment will be $850 and then we have utilities and maintenance on top of that.  Not bad at all for owning our own place since we couldn't come near a deal like that if we were renting :)  It is an adorable little house that has new vinyl windows, new vinyl siding, central air and heat, a new water heater, insulation in the attic and it has 7 raised garden beds and a clothes line in the yard along with a garden shed and covered carport and a fully fenced yard.  Just what we were looking for.

I am so excited to finally get settled into our own home.  Before we move in we are going to have to have the house rewired since nothing in the house is grounded (it's all 2-wiring).  And then i'm going to paint and i also want to pull up the carpets (which are a lovely *pink* color) and re-finish the wood floors underneath.  It will be a lot of work but i think in the end i'm gonna love it and it will be worth it.

Hopefully if everything goes well we'll be able to sign papers next week but for sure by the end of the month.

So needless to day i am very excited.  I've been pouring endlessly over blogs and book for decorating ideas and i have non stop thoughts of things i would like to do.  I cannot *wait* to have my own yard that i can tend to.  Our own garden to grown delicious healthy food.  And have our own chickens with fresh eggs!  oh that will be so much fun!! (we already have 2 hens that i got from a friend).

  I really cannot wait.  So here's to crossing our fingers!

The problem with sheep

Hello hello!

Yes, it's been a little while but i think i mentioned that my life has been a bit busy. 
But i'm alive and here and about to let off a little steam. 

So i've had many "people" out there complain about me sharing information about things i am passionate about or find interesting.  Most of the time it stems somehow around others not agreeing with my point of view.

And this is FINE.

I do not expect every human being in the world to agree with me.  It would be a very boring world if that became the case.  BUT i do expect people to do their own research.  I have a big issue with people who just follow blindly like sheep.  They may think they have all the information but they are just going with the flow and doing what they think everyone else is doing and what is best because that is just what the world does.  They become sheep.

Wanna know something i've noticed about sheep? (seeings as my family owns a herd)  They will be out grazing and everything is good.  Then one sheep gets ahead of the rest.  The sheep behind her think "WOAH, i must be missing out on something, i need to get ahead!"  So that sheep runs ahead.  Well, not to be outdone, the other sheep start trying to get ahead and before you know it the whole herd is in a full blown run up the dirt road headed to nowhere!

What does this have to do with the "people" you might ask?  Well, like i said, i feel many times people follow blindly.  They see someone doing something and they decide to do the same thing, or even try to one-up them without even knowing the reason why they are doing it in the first place.  (other than they *think* it is the right way to do things, only because they know NO other way)  Soon they are running full speed to no where and they have no idea why.

Life is a journey, and it should mean something!

Please do NOT be sheep!!

I feel in any part of your life, whether it be education, religion, health, parenting, etc etc, you should not just follow someone else, or take someone else's word.  Take a little time and do a little research (and researching both sides of a subject is always best to get the whole picture) and decide what is best for YOU. 

Do something because you actually feel is is the best thing in your life, not because you're trying to make a point.  People like that just make me think of the teenager who is rebelling against their parents just because they don't want to listen to their parents.  They don't even take into consideration that their parents may be more experienced in that certain subject and *might* just might know a better way.  All they think about is 'there is NO WAY i'm gonna listen to my parents' and off to nowhere they run (or off the cliff lol).   Sure, i rebelled against my parents but it doesnt' mean it was the smart thing to do!

I am constantly learning new things and changing my mind about things i thought i'd never do.  Before i had children i thought that we would have hospital births (natural of course), breastfeed for a year, have a nursery, use disposable diapers, let baby 'cry it out', circumcise, use a stroller and other things. 

Then my sister planted a seed in my mind that i am forever thankful for.  She mentioned things she was hoping to do with her future child.  When she first started to share them i literally though 'YOU ARE NUTS!! Your child is going to turn out so spoiled, you're putting their life in danger and i just can't believe you'd do this!!!'.  But instead of stopping at that thought i instead took things further.  I checked out some books from the library and started to do some reading on the "other side" of things.

I am forever thankful for those seeds my sister planted, and for the common sense i had to research things for *myself* because you know what?  I pretty much turned around 180 degrees in my views about parenting.  Sure, once i started parenting for myself i'd probably figure out how i thought i would do things was not really working for our family, but how long would that would have taken?  And how happy would i be during that time?  I am so thankful i learned about different ways to do things before!

I've had this same experience happen with many other parts of my life.  If my entire viewpoint in life can change about so many things when why can't yours?  Are you really sure you want to do things they way you think you want to do them?  Are you really sure you want to public school?  Are you really sure you'd never consider that religion?  Are you really sure you would never consider going green?

How can you know if you have never really seen the other side of the story?

So please, take some time and consider the choices in your life very carefully.  Go pick up a book and do a little reading.  Has someone mentioned something that you think is crazy?  Go look it up and do a bit of research and see how truly crazy it may not be.

Is there anything in your life that you have changed your mind about once you did your own research and learned more?

Health Goals

A personal goal of mine (one of many) is to start eating healthier and get my family on track health wise.  I haven't made the best progress in this area, but the desire is there!

I feel our family is not the worst when it comes to nutrition, but we are no where near where we need to be.  An area where i feel we are better is the fact that we eat meat very sparingly and if we do, it's normally chicken.  I also try really hard not to make too many "box meals" and the such.  But there is so much more we need to do.

One of my delimas is the fact that The Hubby is kinda a picky eater (he's a texture guy mostly).  He's not the worst, but he knows what  he likes and what he doesn't like and sticks with that (even if he's never really tried the thing he "doesn't like").   It's hard for me since i am not a picky eater (and i hate feeling like i have to cater to his likes).  I feel i'm not picky because when i was growing up i was encouraged (and sometimes made) to eat all different kinds of food.  Yes, there are some foods i truly do not enjoy, but for the most part, i will try anything.  Hubby on the other hand, well, his mother tended to cater to all the kids desires and they weren't made to try things if they didn't want to.  Also, i don't think his mother really likes to cook so pretty much everything is their house is prepared food of some sort (or they eat fast food, like eating out at least 2-3 times a week).  Like, think freezer meals, stove top, pre-made spice packets, box meals, pop tarts, jars of candy, pop, etc etc.  The only fresh food they normally have is possibly an apple or two, a bag of baby carrots for the crockpot on sunday, and a bag of pre-made salad.   

So this makes it hard when i try to make healthy food for our family.  The Hubby's favorite go to food is pasta.  Can that man eat pasta! (think a pound at a time!)  And i guess it would be ok if he ate it with a healthy tomato sauce, but he doesn't.  His favorite topping is ranch and cheese.  Yes, you did read that correctly.  I was able to get him to switch to whole wheat pasta instead of regular, so that's a bit better i guess..... I love this man so much, but sometimes trying to get him to each healthier is a hassle, so i don't really bother.

But i need to, i really do.  I am not where i would like to be health wise.  Sure, i can blame it on having 2 pregnancies 6 months apart, but i wasn't healthy before my first pregnancy and i'm not healthy now.  To put it plainly, i'm obese, even if i don't look it.  Yes, i'm obese.  I hate knowing that.  And then there is The Hubby.  He is also overweight and not where he should be health wise.  And this scares me since his family has some serious health issues (although a lot has  to do with their lifestyle of course) and i don't want that to happen to my husband.  And my mother was obese my entire childhood and still is and i don't want to end up like her either.

 But i will say it is hard to take control of our lives and change.  There was always so much pressure from my mother not to get fat which made me upset and depressed and made me not want to try even that much more.  And like i said, The Hubby never grew up eating well (i'd say he's lucky if he gets 1-2 servings of fruits and veggies a day).

But we need to take control and change.  We need to do it for ourselves, for our daughter and our future children.  Yes, i can keep making excuses or i can get down to business and just try harder.  It is not going to be easy, but i need to try, because if i don't try then i will fail. 

I'm sorry if this post hasn't made much sense, or if i've rambled...i think i'm making this post  more for  myself so i'll stop making excuses.  If i put it out publicly that i want to change, then maybe i'll feel more of a commitment to my goal.

So what is my goal?  I can't just say i want to eat healthier, that is too broad of a goal.

I would like to loose at least 80lbs in the next 2 years.

I want to eat at least 5 servings of fruits and vegetables a day.

I want to plan my meals so i know what  is for dinner before 7pm.

I want to get active and exercise at least 3 times a week.

I want to drink at least 2 liters of water a day.

I want to stop buying so much processed food and cook more from scratch.

Limit the sweets in our house.
Eat at the table.
Eat more beans and such.
Eat more fish.
Use the crockpot more.
Limit eating out to 4 times a month (including take out)

Pack The Hubby's lunch every day.

I can't say i'll get on top of all these goals right away while trying to juggle life with a new baby who is having so many fussy issues (she can't handle dairy in my breastmilk and she's not even 2 months old yet and is cutting 2 teeth).  But i have my main goal to loose weight, and i have my deadline, so one way or another i need to reach this goal.  Thank you for letting me ramble and let my feelings out.  

Do you have any goals to get your family healthier?