Being Honest, Screw Blogger Perfection

I have a confession.  

I'm not one of those perfect bloggers you follow elsewhere on the internet.

Sure i strive for perfection but i always fall very short.  It's just how life is.  We all can't be Martha Stewart (who doesn't do it all on her own either, she has a whole team that comes up with her ideas and makes them for her, she just does the final presentation for everyone to see.

But anyways, i believe in being real.  I believe in not putting on a fake face.  I have favorite blogs out there, but after following them for a while, i normally feel down and like a failure.  I never look as great as they do, my child is not as well behaved, my house NEVER looks perfect and i feel like loosing it most of the time.

But blogger world is not real world.  In the real world messes happen.  Kids throw fits.  Moms loose their temper.

We try our best, and some days are completely awesome.  

But we shouldn't feel bad for the real days.

They happen to everyone.

So here is me, being real.

My toddler watches an average 2-3 hours of TV a day.

We eat fast food at least 2-3 times a week for some kind of meal.  Some weeks it's much more than that.

I get frustrated, a lot.  I tend to yell a lot, and yes, i have spanked (i do not like doing it, and i'm trying to change that).  I do give lots of loves and apologize about it and i am trying to do better.

Our dishes do not get done every day.  Sometimes it's a whole week before they are done.  Paper plates rock (we use the compostible kind). 

Sometimes my daughter stays in the same outfit for 3 days.

I love hot dogs.

I don't shower every day.

My house can be spottless one day, and a disaster the next.  

This is how my bathroom normally looks.  Lots of clutter and lots of hair in the sink.

Sure, every now and then the bed gets made and it looks great.  But 90% of the time this is how the bedroom looks. 

This stuff has been in the hall probably close to 4 months now LOL! 

This is the kitchen on a GOOD day. 

Yep, a good day for the kitchen.  Like my 1/2 swept pile in the corner?  Been there a week now LOL

Everyday life in the laundry room.

This is normally how the laundry room looks.

Stuff in the living room waiting for a home on top of the shelf. 

This is actually the living room looking *good*.  I actually picked up the kitchen table last night!

I like my daughter's expression.  Like 'douh mommy!'.  Again, this is pretty dang good for the living room!

My office, the only relatively clean thing right now.  You should have seen it just last week though for the last 2 years...EEEK!

Yeah.  Our house is hardly perfect.  But who really cares?  We have fun, we do things, we have a life.  And our house shows that. 

Lets stop with all the fakeness.  Lets just be real with each other.  I think our self esteem will be A LOT better if we all would :)

So what are your confessions?  Are you ready to be real with the world?

Letting out all the hurt

Hello there my readers.  I'm not 100% sure why i am making this post but i feel like talking but not sure who to talk to.  So writing it is. 

And just a warning to you sensitive souled people, i'm not intending to hurt anyone's feelings with anything i write.  I'm just trying to make sense of what is running through my head and to get my thoughts 'on paper'.  I'm sorry if anything i say hurts you, but if it does hurt maybe it's best to step back, evaluate the situation and see why what i've said as offended you so much.  Is it because there may be some truth?  i don't know.  Just some things to consider and keep in mind.  But again, i'm sorry if this hurts.  I hurt too. 

For a long time now i have been struggling.  Struggling with my self worth, struggling with my identity, with who i really am.  I struggle with how i react, how i'm supposed to react and what others think.  I spend a lot of time worried about what others think.  a lot of time.  I'm always worried about it and i hate that it bugs me so much.

Growing up i had a lot to deal with.  My dad was abusive (mostly emotional and verbal but some physical) towards everyone in the family (i have 5 siblings).  Just writing that down is extremely hard for me.  It actually makes me want to delete this entire post and forget about the whole thing.  But i feel if i can't explain where i've come from that you won't understand why i'm here.  So as my hand shake i will keep typing to try and help myself.

As i said, my dad is abusive.  And so i grew up in fear my whole life, always walking on egg shells.  I always was trying to be the best child i could be, the most perfect i could be so that he wouldn't be so angry, so that he would love me, because why would someone be so mean and hateful if they loved you?  I grew up not really knowing if i was loved because even if my father said it, he rarely showed it.  And then because of his actions i could not even believe what he said since it contradicted every thing it would say. 

I also grew up with a lot of guilt.  I lot from my father (If i could just do the things he wanted, if i could just not cry, work hard enough, be *good* enough then *i* would be good enough) but also from my mother.  If i expressed how i felt about something she would tell me that it really wasn't that way, or i shouldn't feel that way, or something along those lines.  She would say things in passing that would make me feel guilty about whatever situation it was.  Hard to explain, but lots of guilt.

So i have a hard time knowing how i'm even supposed to feel most of the time.  If i'm feeling sad i feel that i shouldn't feel sad and i have to stop crying RIGHTHISSECOND because that is what has been drilled into me from my father.  Or somehow my mother makes me feel guilty for the way i feel.  I really can't go into details but it's pretty much how it always goes.

I really hate me on the inside because i feel like i'm a complete mess and that it's effecting my relationship with those that matter most, my husband and my daughters.  Our marriage has really been stressed from the very beginning due to me being on hormonal birth control and how crazy it made me.  What kind of crazy you ask? 

well, major depression for one, then anxiety, and the anxiety caused me to start having panic attacks (which i had never had before) and then the panic attacks would cause more anxiety and depression and it was just a big hot mess.  Example.  We'd be laying in bed to go to sleep.  Just because DH wouldn't be cuddling with me my mind would be racing with reasons why he wasn't, until i came the the conclusion that he didn't love me.  I'd start crying and hyperventilating until i just couldn't stand it anymore and i'd lock myself in the bathroom while i proceeded to bang my head repeatedly against the wall and scratch my arms.  I actually had the thought many times that i had made THE BIGGEST mistake of my life and that i needed to get a divorce because i didn't want to end up like my parents.  But then i couldn't bring myelf to do that because i felt incredibly guilty and worried about what 'everyone' would think if i admitted i had made a mistake and wanted a divorce.  But then i was scared to be doomed in a marriage with a spouse who really didn't care about me and didn't love me which would then start the entire cycle all over again.

Did i mention it made me crazy psychotic?  And the worst part was i didn't know why i felt this way.  I knew it wasn't normal but it came out of nowhere and i didn't feel this way until after we had been married.  It wasn't until my dear sister suggested that *maybe* it was my birth control that i started to see the light (what really upsets me is my doctor NEVER said that ANY of those things could be a side effect!  so i never suspected!).  Needless to say i went off of it immediately and i am so thankful i did.  Unfortunately those 5 months really took a toll on our marriage.  A start like that is NO way to start a healthy marriage.

So yeah, pretty stressful start on top of all my baggage from my growing up years.  Then enter our 1st pregnancy.  Everything was going great until our 1st ultrasound when the tec could not find any amniotic fluid.  We were told we'd have to see a specialist ASAP but the soonest we could get an appointment was a week away!  So after a week passed we saw the specialist who told us our baby had cysts in their kidneys and would not live after birth.

Big giant blow in our lives. 

Here we are living 2+ hours away from all family and dear friends and i'm going through a pregnancy with my child who is not going to live.  Even worse we are in a college town and our church ward was full of young married couples.  so everyone in our ward was either A) pregnant, or B) had a child under the age of 3.  I was treated like i had a deadly illness that no one wanted to catch. 

We'd be sitting in class and the lesson would be on service, compassion and all of that and everyone sharing stories of how they helped so and so in this situation or when they were going through ____ trial they were *so* thankful that so and so came to help.  All the wile i am sitting in my row completely alone because no one would sit next to me and bawling my eyes out because i was basically ignored by everyone around me and i had no family or friends to help.  I would then quickly leave the room so i wouldn't make too big of a scene and then of course everyone would come out and ask me how i was and if i needed anything.  I really hated that.  I understand my situation made people uncomfortable but it really hurt for them to say one thing and do the complete opposite.  All i wanted was a shoulder to cry on, for someone to show me some love and compassion while i got ready to go through the hardest thing in my life and i couldn't get it.  I was all alone.

THEN i get misdiagnosed and told i *have* to induce at 32 weeks when really the problme was a misdiagnosed bladder infection (which by the way went untreated for at least 1 week, if not 2 or more to the point where i was in INTENSE awful pain and running 101+ fevers even WITH taking vicodin which has fever reducing medicine in it!  I could have gone septic!!). 

So because i *had* to be induced we were robbed from our home birth experience that we desired so our daughter could be born in the most peaceful, loving environment we could have.  Instead i had to spend 3 days in the hospital being induced and then my daughter had to endure the birth with a rushed uninterested doctor who was in such a hurry for everything to be over that he pulled her out of me, i'm sure causing her harm in the process and then telling us that she was stillborn even though less than a minute later she tried to breath and tried again and again and again.  Never ONCE did that doctor check her for a heartbeat but instead insisted she was dead and that it was just a reaction that her body was having. 

So we never got to have the joy of knowing our daughter was alive and with us and able to hear everything we were saying.  She never was able to hear from her mother and father that we loved her earthside.  We were robbed from one of the most sacred experiences there are and there's nothing we can do about it since the doctors word is "law". 

Then again i had to deal with isolation and abandonment.  We had a total of 4 meals brought in to our home, one from a friend the day we came home from the hospital, and then 3 from our church after we had been home for 4 days and were told we'd have meals brought in as soon as we were home (even though they were informed we were home).  And we only had a weeks worth brought because we were told 'after that you should be feeling *much* better'.  No other friends or family ever brought us anything.  We were left alone with the day to day.  Most days i didn't even want to get out of bed let alone dress, shower or eat. 

I knew i was going to be depressed, i already was.  But also expected to be surrounded with love and support.  We had moved home 2 weeks before her birth and so we were with family and friends again.  We had lots of words of support but not much after that.  I struggled with my grief process because i felt rushed and guilty that i was depressed and upset.  I felt like everyone just wanted me to be better and 'get over it'.  And if i brought the matter up at all people would then say 'of course not, take your time' but then i'd feel the pressure again based on actions and things said.  It was a very hard confusing time for me. 

Then, to complicate things we unexpectedly found out we were expecting again just 6 months after our daughter passed away.  On one small hand we were excited but on the other big hand we were scared to death and worried.  It was hard to be happy when we still felt so much sadness, but the pressure from EVERYONE to 'be happy' again made it hard.  If i'd bring up my grief it seems like others would say 'but you're pregnant again!  Be happy!' as if having another child fixed everything.

If anything it has made things more complicated in ways.  Don't get me wrong, i LOVE my daughter more than i can even express.  She has brought *so much* happiness into my life and i wouldn't trade her for anything.  But it's not that cut and dry.  I still have mountains of unsettled grief buried deep inside me because of all the pressure around me to 'be better' because we have a healthy baby now.  I can't be sad because i have to be happy for her.  I also don't have time to grieve.  We've been blessed with a daughter who has silent reflux and we didn't find this out until she was SEVEN MONTH old!  7 months of pretty much non stop crying at night, never sleeping, never nursing well, crying crying crying.  And even after we found out it didn't fix everything.  7 months is a long time for a child to learn things.  and then throw in that we moved when she was 8 months we moved in with my parents for 3 months and then lived in a house we were renovating, her first year has been HECTIC and so she has no rhythm, no pattern, no way of doing things.  I'M her constant. So she doesn't sleep through the night (not even by a long shot!), struggles to sleep without nursing, and is just very high needs in everything in her life.  

and then the judgment i feel in this aspect in my life is huge.  I feel judgment from every single side of me.  Our circumstances don't seem to matter, only the outcome, and since we do not have the 'good' baby i am a bad parent and not doing things right, even though i'm doing things the best i can for MY baby.

I know i've been going on on a lot of different things but i just felt like i had to write about everything i've having to deal with because i've reached the end and i have taken all i can take.  I'm starting to sink and i feel like everyone is just standing to watch.  I get some sticks thrown at me that are thought to help, but i don't feel people are really listening to my issues.  I'm told often that i just need to pray, or read my scriptures, or go to the temple and it will fix everything.

But what these people don't seem to understand (even when i've tried to explain it) is it's not that easy.  Growing up, those experiences were used as a way of abuse.  So instead of feeling the Spirit of God, i felt the spirit of contention, the spirit of the devil.  It's hard for me to get past these fears and to move on.  I feel very alone and small.  I feel uncared about and unimportant.  I don't like to feel this way, but i don't know how to not feel this way.  When i pray i don't feel like my prayers get past the ceiling, and instead of feeling the Spirit i feel the opposite instead, i feel cold, dark and alone.  And i feel like a bad person for even saying these things because Prayer and Scripture reading are the answer to everything in my 'culture' so to even suggest that i don't want to do them makes me an evil horrible person.  But i have a hard time doing something in my life that makes me feel so insignificant and alone.

And so, i've reached the end of the road.  I cannot stand my periods of break downs anymore (they are coming closer and closer together these last months).  My sister has been setting a path in front of me these last few months and i think i've finally hit bottom enough to follow her lead.  Today i called and set up an appointment to get counseling.  This is extremely hard for me to do because it makes me feel like a failure and i have a VERY hard time asking for help, even when i desperately need it.  I've been trained to put on a 'happy face' and to not let anyone know how things really are.  So it's very difficult for me to even say anything negative or say anything is wrong.  But they are, and they have been for a long time now. 

But i won't let my fears stop me anymore.  I want to be a new person and i want to change how things are.  And the first step is talking with someone who can help me.

King of Anything: A Reminder to All

Today i wanted to share my 'anthem' with you.  Well, it's one of mine.  I LOVE this song.  Not only because i could say everything in this song about how i feel about people's opinions about me, but also because it's a reminder to me that everyone has their freewill and they are allowed to make their own choices.  All i can do is provide the information and it's up to them to do the rest. 

The song is 'King of Anything' by Sara Bareilles

And the lyrics

"King Of Anything"

Oh (oh oh oh)

Oh (oh oh oh)

Oh (oh oh oh)

Oh (oh oh oh)

Keep drinkin' coffee

Stare me down across the table

While I look outside

So many things I'd say if only I were able

But I just keep quiet

And count the cars that pass by

You've got opinions, man

We're all entitled to 'em

But I never asked

So let me thank you for time

And try to not waste any more of mine

Get out of here fast

I hate to break it to you babe

But I'm not drowning

There's no one here to save

Who cares if you disagree

You are not me

Who made you king of anything

So you dare tell me who to be

Who died

And made you king of anything

Oh (oh oh oh)

Oh (oh oh oh)

Oh (oh oh oh)

Oh (oh oh oh)

You sound so innocent

All full of good intent

You swear you know best

But you expect me to

Jump up on board with you

Ride off into your delusional sunset

I'm not the one who's lost

With no direction oh

But you won't ever see

You're so busy makin' maps

With my name on them in all caps

You got the talkin' down just not the listening

And who cares if you disagree

You are not me

Who made you king of anything

So you dare tell me who to be

Who died

And made you king of anything

All my life

I've tried

To make everybody happy while I

Just hurt

And hide

Waitin' for someone to tell me it's my turn

To decide

Oh (oh oh oh)

Oh (oh oh oh)

Oh (oh oh oh)

Oh (oh oh oh)

Who cares if you disagree

You are not me

Who made you king of anything

So you dare tell me who to be

Who died

And made you king of anything

Who cares if you disagree

You are not me

Who made you king of anything

So you dare tell me who to be

Who died

And made you king of anything

Let me hold your crown, babe

The Beauty of a Mother

I want to share this picture that i ran across a few weeks ago.  I think it ties into my previous post very well. 

There is so much hate out there about our bodies, especially postpartum mothers.  We hate the stretch marks, to sag, the bulge, the pooch.  We look at what society considers beauty and feel inadequate next to it. 

We need to remember the miraculous, wonderful, AMAZING thing our bodies did!  We were partners with God to make something amazing, something no one else can do.  We are mothers and we are beautiful!  

Yes, our bodies may not ever be the same again, but life will never be the same again.  We must remember this and remember that we are all daughters of God, and we are all beautiful.

And if you are a mother struggling with how you look postpartum i *highly* suggest checking out the website, The Shape of a Mother.  I love that site! 

The Whale and the Mermaid

Hello hello my friends!

Sorry i've been MIA, and sorry i keep making excuses.  I think i've mentioned before that life is extremely hectic right now and we're just trying to get moved into our new house, but problem after problem keep arising. 

But i have not forgotten you!  Today i ran across a photo and an analogy i wanted to share with you :)

French model Tara Lynn

A while back, at the entrance of a gym, there was a picture of a very thin and beautiful woman. The caption was "This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"

The story goes, a woman (of clothing size unknown) answered the following way:

"Dear people, whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, seals, curious humans), they are sexually active and raise their children with great tenderness.
They entertain like crazy with dolphins and eat lots of prawns. They swim all day and travel to fantastic places like Patagonia, the Barents Sea or the coral reefs of Polynesia.
They sing incredibly well and sometimes even are on cds. They are impressive and dearly loved animals, which everyone defend and admires.

Mermaids do not exist.
But if they existed, they would line up to see a psychologist because of a problem of split personality: woman or fish?
They would have no sex life and could not bear children.
Yes, they would be lovely, but lonely and sad.
And, who wants a girl that smells like fish by his side?

Without a doubt, I'd rather be a whale.

At a time when the media tells us that only thin is beautiful, I prefer to eat ice cream with my kids, to have dinner with my husband, to eat and drink and have fun with my friends.

We women, we gain weight because we accumulate so much wisdom and knowledge that there isn't enough space in our heads, and it spreads all over our bodies.
We are not fat, we are greatly cultivated.
Every time I see my curves in the mirror, I tell myself: "How amazing am I ?! "

 

French model Tara Lynn

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

UK model Chloe Marshall

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Australian model Crystal Renn

Kailee O'Sullivan

Two of my beautiful sisters

My beautiful mother and me

My beautiful sister in law

A beautiful friend

Another beautiful sister in law

You are all beautiful!!

How Amazing are we?

The Hazards of Hospitals

 If you haven't ever thought about how safe your local hospital really is, today might be the day you start that thought process.  When we are ill and need help it's the first place many think of, but it might not be the best place.  At the very least you need to be on top of your game and make sure you are getting the best care you can.

Created by: Medical Billing and Coding

Source

Still not sure?  Then what about this article

Your Go-To Hospital For Dirty Speculums

And now i have to edit this post to include this video about a 17 year in Florida who impersanated a medical assistant for a WEEK in a hospital.  He did exams, changed IVs and even did CPR!

'Doogie Howser Wannabee' Matthew Scheidt Busted in Florida

 

I could go on, but i need to get going.  Such a busy life.  I have some other articles i've been wanting to share, so i hope to do that soon! 

So, i know we all have them, do any of you want to share a story about a bad experience from the hospital that put you, your loved ones or so on life in danger?

The problem with sheep

Hello hello!

Yes, it's been a little while but i think i mentioned that my life has been a bit busy. 
But i'm alive and here and about to let off a little steam. 

So i've had many "people" out there complain about me sharing information about things i am passionate about or find interesting.  Most of the time it stems somehow around others not agreeing with my point of view.

And this is FINE.

I do not expect every human being in the world to agree with me.  It would be a very boring world if that became the case.  BUT i do expect people to do their own research.  I have a big issue with people who just follow blindly like sheep.  They may think they have all the information but they are just going with the flow and doing what they think everyone else is doing and what is best because that is just what the world does.  They become sheep.

Wanna know something i've noticed about sheep? (seeings as my family owns a herd)  They will be out grazing and everything is good.  Then one sheep gets ahead of the rest.  The sheep behind her think "WOAH, i must be missing out on something, i need to get ahead!"  So that sheep runs ahead.  Well, not to be outdone, the other sheep start trying to get ahead and before you know it the whole herd is in a full blown run up the dirt road headed to nowhere!

What does this have to do with the "people" you might ask?  Well, like i said, i feel many times people follow blindly.  They see someone doing something and they decide to do the same thing, or even try to one-up them without even knowing the reason why they are doing it in the first place.  (other than they *think* it is the right way to do things, only because they know NO other way)  Soon they are running full speed to no where and they have no idea why.

Life is a journey, and it should mean something!

Please do NOT be sheep!!

I feel in any part of your life, whether it be education, religion, health, parenting, etc etc, you should not just follow someone else, or take someone else's word.  Take a little time and do a little research (and researching both sides of a subject is always best to get the whole picture) and decide what is best for YOU. 

Do something because you actually feel is is the best thing in your life, not because you're trying to make a point.  People like that just make me think of the teenager who is rebelling against their parents just because they don't want to listen to their parents.  They don't even take into consideration that their parents may be more experienced in that certain subject and *might* just might know a better way.  All they think about is 'there is NO WAY i'm gonna listen to my parents' and off to nowhere they run (or off the cliff lol).   Sure, i rebelled against my parents but it doesnt' mean it was the smart thing to do!

I am constantly learning new things and changing my mind about things i thought i'd never do.  Before i had children i thought that we would have hospital births (natural of course), breastfeed for a year, have a nursery, use disposable diapers, let baby 'cry it out', circumcise, use a stroller and other things. 

Then my sister planted a seed in my mind that i am forever thankful for.  She mentioned things she was hoping to do with her future child.  When she first started to share them i literally though 'YOU ARE NUTS!! Your child is going to turn out so spoiled, you're putting their life in danger and i just can't believe you'd do this!!!'.  But instead of stopping at that thought i instead took things further.  I checked out some books from the library and started to do some reading on the "other side" of things.

I am forever thankful for those seeds my sister planted, and for the common sense i had to research things for *myself* because you know what?  I pretty much turned around 180 degrees in my views about parenting.  Sure, once i started parenting for myself i'd probably figure out how i thought i would do things was not really working for our family, but how long would that would have taken?  And how happy would i be during that time?  I am so thankful i learned about different ways to do things before!

I've had this same experience happen with many other parts of my life.  If my entire viewpoint in life can change about so many things when why can't yours?  Are you really sure you want to do things they way you think you want to do them?  Are you really sure you want to public school?  Are you really sure you'd never consider that religion?  Are you really sure you would never consider going green?

How can you know if you have never really seen the other side of the story?

So please, take some time and consider the choices in your life very carefully.  Go pick up a book and do a little reading.  Has someone mentioned something that you think is crazy?  Go look it up and do a bit of research and see how truly crazy it may not be.

Is there anything in your life that you have changed your mind about once you did your own research and learned more?

Introduction

Hello and welcome to my personal blog!
I felt it was time for me to go out on my own and create a place for me to share my latest projects, articles and links i find interesting, and a place for me to share my thoughts on things i find important.

I hope you find this blog educational and insperational.

Now for a quick introduction. I am 23 years old and have been married to my significant other for about 3 and 1/2 years now (He is almost 26). We have 2 daughters. Our first had Bilateral Multicystic Kidney Disease and died shortly after she was born. Our second daughter is a month old. Our family is of the LDS faith. We try to be thrifty and love to save as much as we can. We are also a little more "crunchy" in the sense that we had a midwife assisted home birth for our second daughter, we cloth diaper, baby-wear, bedshare, delay/selective vax, extend rear-face, extend breastfeed, we are against circumcision, and against spanking. I am also trying to go more "green" with our family. Personally, i love to be creative and craft as much as i can. A new hobby is decorating cakes and cupcakes.

I think that will do for now for an introduction.

(you may have noticed i haven't used any names. I do NOT want to use my family's names in this blog. I still need to come up with some nicknames for everyone, but i'm pretty sure my husband will be known as The Hubby and our second daughter will probably be Little Rainbow. But i'll let you know. Please do not use any of my family's names in your comments. Thank you!)

Now, onto a post.
Yesterday i read a blog post at Single Dad Laughing called The Disease Called "Perfection" and The Cure for "Perfection". These posts really hit me hard. His posts really got me thinking (as do all the posts i've read of his so far). He talks about how perfection plauges us all. He talks about how perfection destorys peoples lives. He talks about how we need to be REAL to those around us and stop letting perfection control our lives.

Like i said above, this hit me hard. Lately i've been struggling with "being real". I've struggled with saying exactly what's on my mind, and how how i feel. Why is this?

It's because i have one deep fear.
The fear of rejection.

My whole life i have wanted others to like me. I NEEDED to be liked. But why? Why is it so imporant to me? I honestly don't know. But i'm trying really hard not to let what OTHERS think control me. Why should i care? Why should i let the fear of what others will think of me control my thoughts and actions?

I need to be REAL to myself and stop caring.
I know it will not be easy, but i will do my best.

And so, a fair warning. I may say things on my blog "others" do not want to hear. But i have to be real to myself and that means telling the truth.

so here we go. I hope you enjoy the ride with me.