It's been a long weary journey

Hello followers!

  I wanted to make a quick blog post just to say that no, i did not die :)  Good new huh?  But of course, i have not been posting much, in fact, my last post was about 6 months ago.  Pretty pathetic.  Yes, life has been busy, as it always is, but that is no excuse not to post.  I promise, i will really try to do better, at least one good post a month (at least!).

So what's been going on in our neck of the woods?  Mostly a lot of self improvement.  The last year or so i've been dealing with a lot of depression (my post here explains it more) and working through my grief.  I know that my grief will never completely be over, but it has gotten much better.  I will always miss our daughter, but the pain has gotten easier to bare.  Giving myself actual time to work through my emotions, and having the support of those close in my life really helped.  I think that is what helped the most, to know those closest to me were no longer judging me and allowing me to be me.

Progress was slow, but it came.  One day while driving home from a party i was flipping through the radio looking for something to listen to.  I normally listen to pop, hip hop tops songs type stuff.  But i stopped on a station and started listening.  As the miles wore on (it was a 2 hour drive) i started to feel better and better.  The station i found was K-Love.  It made me feel amazing.  The music was so uplifting and the message i heard was just what i needed.  The DJs would come on between songs and just talk about how Jesus loved ME.  ME. I really needed to hear that, and hear it from someone other than my leader or my mother.  It was as if it was Christ's way of telling me himself.  That he cared about me, loved me and wanted me to succeed.

Since that drive K-Love and Positive Life Radio is what i listen to in the car 95% of the time.  I listen to it at home as well, but i also listen to the music on this blog or this blog.  The change in how i feel has been amazing.  There are time i'll listen to something else, some of the 'hits' and it's interesting how fast i feel crummy.  I don't like to feel crummy.  I love feeling positive and happy.  So i think i'll be sticking to my happy music :)

That was the turning point it seemed though.  From there i've been improving in all the other points of my life.  We no longer eat out 3-5 times a week but instead i am actually cooking homemade meal!  I know right!  I signed up for EMeals (Paleo plan) and it has been great.  No 'what's for dinner tonight' and everything tastes so good.  I've also been using essential oils to help uplift my mood.  I just put them in my diffuser, or place them in my hand and breathe deep.  So uplifting and refreshing!  Another things that has really helped me this last month has been i've started taking Juice Plus+.  And it has really been this last month i've seen some of the best changes.  I have energy, motivation and actually a pretty clear head.  My thoughts don't get muddled and i can see what i need to get done, and i have the motivation to do it, it's been great!  I have tried other "supplements" from other companies but nothing has helped me a much as the Juice Plus+, and i think it's because it's whole food nutrition from actual fruits and vegetables (they are juiced and then put into capsules).  I also preordered the book "Beautiful Babies" by Kristen Michaelis and because of preordering it, i got a lifetime membership to her online course worth $199! 

"In Beautiful Babies, nutrition educator Kristen Michaelis reveals the truth about diet and pregnancy. Based on her research of the nutrient-rich diets of healthy and fertile populations around the world, she lays out exactly what you should and shouldn't eat when trying to conceive, during pregnancy, and while breast-feeding. In the first half of the book she explains the ways industrialized foods can prevent pregnancy, how a low-fat diet can increase your likelihood of infertility by 85 percent, what to do if breast-feeding doesn't work for you, why babies can't digest cereal, and gives step-by-step instructions on how and when to introduce your baby's first foods. In the second half of the book she equips you with more than 50 recipes for incorporating traditional fertility-boosting foods into your diet. Beautiful Babies provides you with everything you need to know about having a healthy pregnancy and nourishing your growing baby."
If you would like to preorder and get the free course, just email your purchase receipt (i emailed the confirmation email) to booklaunch@foodrenegade.com.  So far the lessons i've watched/read have been amazing and i'm looking forward to learning more.

But every day now has been really good.  I wake up in a good mood, i have energy, i put on my music, dance around with my daughter and let the sun shine into our home.  It's all baby steps.  I know i have a long way to go still, but how much i've come is amazing.  I want to continue to eat better, i am going to be looking into MTHFR and see if it's something i have, i've going to work on reading my scriptures and saying my prayers, and being a better, more involved mother and a better wife. 

I really feel like there has been a change in my life.  It hasn't been easy, but it's happening.  I hope others can see the changes as much as i can.  but if they cannot, that's ok, what matter is that my daughter and husband can, and that Christ can.

And that is what matters.

Letting out all the hurt

Hello there my readers.  I'm not 100% sure why i am making this post but i feel like talking but not sure who to talk to.  So writing it is. 

And just a warning to you sensitive souled people, i'm not intending to hurt anyone's feelings with anything i write.  I'm just trying to make sense of what is running through my head and to get my thoughts 'on paper'.  I'm sorry if anything i say hurts you, but if it does hurt maybe it's best to step back, evaluate the situation and see why what i've said as offended you so much.  Is it because there may be some truth?  i don't know.  Just some things to consider and keep in mind.  But again, i'm sorry if this hurts.  I hurt too. 

For a long time now i have been struggling.  Struggling with my self worth, struggling with my identity, with who i really am.  I struggle with how i react, how i'm supposed to react and what others think.  I spend a lot of time worried about what others think.  a lot of time.  I'm always worried about it and i hate that it bugs me so much.

Growing up i had a lot to deal with.  My dad was abusive (mostly emotional and verbal but some physical) towards everyone in the family (i have 5 siblings).  Just writing that down is extremely hard for me.  It actually makes me want to delete this entire post and forget about the whole thing.  But i feel if i can't explain where i've come from that you won't understand why i'm here.  So as my hand shake i will keep typing to try and help myself.

As i said, my dad is abusive.  And so i grew up in fear my whole life, always walking on egg shells.  I always was trying to be the best child i could be, the most perfect i could be so that he wouldn't be so angry, so that he would love me, because why would someone be so mean and hateful if they loved you?  I grew up not really knowing if i was loved because even if my father said it, he rarely showed it.  And then because of his actions i could not even believe what he said since it contradicted every thing it would say. 

I also grew up with a lot of guilt.  I lot from my father (If i could just do the things he wanted, if i could just not cry, work hard enough, be *good* enough then *i* would be good enough) but also from my mother.  If i expressed how i felt about something she would tell me that it really wasn't that way, or i shouldn't feel that way, or something along those lines.  She would say things in passing that would make me feel guilty about whatever situation it was.  Hard to explain, but lots of guilt.

So i have a hard time knowing how i'm even supposed to feel most of the time.  If i'm feeling sad i feel that i shouldn't feel sad and i have to stop crying RIGHTHISSECOND because that is what has been drilled into me from my father.  Or somehow my mother makes me feel guilty for the way i feel.  I really can't go into details but it's pretty much how it always goes.

I really hate me on the inside because i feel like i'm a complete mess and that it's effecting my relationship with those that matter most, my husband and my daughters.  Our marriage has really been stressed from the very beginning due to me being on hormonal birth control and how crazy it made me.  What kind of crazy you ask? 

well, major depression for one, then anxiety, and the anxiety caused me to start having panic attacks (which i had never had before) and then the panic attacks would cause more anxiety and depression and it was just a big hot mess.  Example.  We'd be laying in bed to go to sleep.  Just because DH wouldn't be cuddling with me my mind would be racing with reasons why he wasn't, until i came the the conclusion that he didn't love me.  I'd start crying and hyperventilating until i just couldn't stand it anymore and i'd lock myself in the bathroom while i proceeded to bang my head repeatedly against the wall and scratch my arms.  I actually had the thought many times that i had made THE BIGGEST mistake of my life and that i needed to get a divorce because i didn't want to end up like my parents.  But then i couldn't bring myelf to do that because i felt incredibly guilty and worried about what 'everyone' would think if i admitted i had made a mistake and wanted a divorce.  But then i was scared to be doomed in a marriage with a spouse who really didn't care about me and didn't love me which would then start the entire cycle all over again.

Did i mention it made me crazy psychotic?  And the worst part was i didn't know why i felt this way.  I knew it wasn't normal but it came out of nowhere and i didn't feel this way until after we had been married.  It wasn't until my dear sister suggested that *maybe* it was my birth control that i started to see the light (what really upsets me is my doctor NEVER said that ANY of those things could be a side effect!  so i never suspected!).  Needless to say i went off of it immediately and i am so thankful i did.  Unfortunately those 5 months really took a toll on our marriage.  A start like that is NO way to start a healthy marriage.

So yeah, pretty stressful start on top of all my baggage from my growing up years.  Then enter our 1st pregnancy.  Everything was going great until our 1st ultrasound when the tec could not find any amniotic fluid.  We were told we'd have to see a specialist ASAP but the soonest we could get an appointment was a week away!  So after a week passed we saw the specialist who told us our baby had cysts in their kidneys and would not live after birth.

Big giant blow in our lives. 

Here we are living 2+ hours away from all family and dear friends and i'm going through a pregnancy with my child who is not going to live.  Even worse we are in a college town and our church ward was full of young married couples.  so everyone in our ward was either A) pregnant, or B) had a child under the age of 3.  I was treated like i had a deadly illness that no one wanted to catch. 

We'd be sitting in class and the lesson would be on service, compassion and all of that and everyone sharing stories of how they helped so and so in this situation or when they were going through ____ trial they were *so* thankful that so and so came to help.  All the wile i am sitting in my row completely alone because no one would sit next to me and bawling my eyes out because i was basically ignored by everyone around me and i had no family or friends to help.  I would then quickly leave the room so i wouldn't make too big of a scene and then of course everyone would come out and ask me how i was and if i needed anything.  I really hated that.  I understand my situation made people uncomfortable but it really hurt for them to say one thing and do the complete opposite.  All i wanted was a shoulder to cry on, for someone to show me some love and compassion while i got ready to go through the hardest thing in my life and i couldn't get it.  I was all alone.

THEN i get misdiagnosed and told i *have* to induce at 32 weeks when really the problme was a misdiagnosed bladder infection (which by the way went untreated for at least 1 week, if not 2 or more to the point where i was in INTENSE awful pain and running 101+ fevers even WITH taking vicodin which has fever reducing medicine in it!  I could have gone septic!!). 

So because i *had* to be induced we were robbed from our home birth experience that we desired so our daughter could be born in the most peaceful, loving environment we could have.  Instead i had to spend 3 days in the hospital being induced and then my daughter had to endure the birth with a rushed uninterested doctor who was in such a hurry for everything to be over that he pulled her out of me, i'm sure causing her harm in the process and then telling us that she was stillborn even though less than a minute later she tried to breath and tried again and again and again.  Never ONCE did that doctor check her for a heartbeat but instead insisted she was dead and that it was just a reaction that her body was having. 

So we never got to have the joy of knowing our daughter was alive and with us and able to hear everything we were saying.  She never was able to hear from her mother and father that we loved her earthside.  We were robbed from one of the most sacred experiences there are and there's nothing we can do about it since the doctors word is "law". 

Then again i had to deal with isolation and abandonment.  We had a total of 4 meals brought in to our home, one from a friend the day we came home from the hospital, and then 3 from our church after we had been home for 4 days and were told we'd have meals brought in as soon as we were home (even though they were informed we were home).  And we only had a weeks worth brought because we were told 'after that you should be feeling *much* better'.  No other friends or family ever brought us anything.  We were left alone with the day to day.  Most days i didn't even want to get out of bed let alone dress, shower or eat. 

I knew i was going to be depressed, i already was.  But also expected to be surrounded with love and support.  We had moved home 2 weeks before her birth and so we were with family and friends again.  We had lots of words of support but not much after that.  I struggled with my grief process because i felt rushed and guilty that i was depressed and upset.  I felt like everyone just wanted me to be better and 'get over it'.  And if i brought the matter up at all people would then say 'of course not, take your time' but then i'd feel the pressure again based on actions and things said.  It was a very hard confusing time for me. 

Then, to complicate things we unexpectedly found out we were expecting again just 6 months after our daughter passed away.  On one small hand we were excited but on the other big hand we were scared to death and worried.  It was hard to be happy when we still felt so much sadness, but the pressure from EVERYONE to 'be happy' again made it hard.  If i'd bring up my grief it seems like others would say 'but you're pregnant again!  Be happy!' as if having another child fixed everything.

If anything it has made things more complicated in ways.  Don't get me wrong, i LOVE my daughter more than i can even express.  She has brought *so much* happiness into my life and i wouldn't trade her for anything.  But it's not that cut and dry.  I still have mountains of unsettled grief buried deep inside me because of all the pressure around me to 'be better' because we have a healthy baby now.  I can't be sad because i have to be happy for her.  I also don't have time to grieve.  We've been blessed with a daughter who has silent reflux and we didn't find this out until she was SEVEN MONTH old!  7 months of pretty much non stop crying at night, never sleeping, never nursing well, crying crying crying.  And even after we found out it didn't fix everything.  7 months is a long time for a child to learn things.  and then throw in that we moved when she was 8 months we moved in with my parents for 3 months and then lived in a house we were renovating, her first year has been HECTIC and so she has no rhythm, no pattern, no way of doing things.  I'M her constant. So she doesn't sleep through the night (not even by a long shot!), struggles to sleep without nursing, and is just very high needs in everything in her life.  

and then the judgment i feel in this aspect in my life is huge.  I feel judgment from every single side of me.  Our circumstances don't seem to matter, only the outcome, and since we do not have the 'good' baby i am a bad parent and not doing things right, even though i'm doing things the best i can for MY baby.

I know i've been going on on a lot of different things but i just felt like i had to write about everything i've having to deal with because i've reached the end and i have taken all i can take.  I'm starting to sink and i feel like everyone is just standing to watch.  I get some sticks thrown at me that are thought to help, but i don't feel people are really listening to my issues.  I'm told often that i just need to pray, or read my scriptures, or go to the temple and it will fix everything.

But what these people don't seem to understand (even when i've tried to explain it) is it's not that easy.  Growing up, those experiences were used as a way of abuse.  So instead of feeling the Spirit of God, i felt the spirit of contention, the spirit of the devil.  It's hard for me to get past these fears and to move on.  I feel very alone and small.  I feel uncared about and unimportant.  I don't like to feel this way, but i don't know how to not feel this way.  When i pray i don't feel like my prayers get past the ceiling, and instead of feeling the Spirit i feel the opposite instead, i feel cold, dark and alone.  And i feel like a bad person for even saying these things because Prayer and Scripture reading are the answer to everything in my 'culture' so to even suggest that i don't want to do them makes me an evil horrible person.  But i have a hard time doing something in my life that makes me feel so insignificant and alone.

And so, i've reached the end of the road.  I cannot stand my periods of break downs anymore (they are coming closer and closer together these last months).  My sister has been setting a path in front of me these last few months and i think i've finally hit bottom enough to follow her lead.  Today i called and set up an appointment to get counseling.  This is extremely hard for me to do because it makes me feel like a failure and i have a VERY hard time asking for help, even when i desperately need it.  I've been trained to put on a 'happy face' and to not let anyone know how things really are.  So it's very difficult for me to even say anything negative or say anything is wrong.  But they are, and they have been for a long time now. 

But i won't let my fears stop me anymore.  I want to be a new person and i want to change how things are.  And the first step is talking with someone who can help me.

Life gets busy, but busy is good

So our life has been a little hectic lately and i'm really looking forward to the future.  *Hopefully* by the end of this month if everything goes well my husband and i will be purchasing our first home (ok, so we won't own it, the mortgage company who is giving us the loan will, but you know what i mean).  This decision came out of left field but we are very excited.  We have always felt that before we would/could buy a house we needed to pay off our student loans (about $9,000) and then save up as close to 20% of a down payment as we could.  Needless to say our loans are not paid off an we only have about a 4% down payment...

But we've put a lot of though into this decision.  To rent a 3 bedroom home where we live is around $1,000-$2,000 + utilities.  Our price range is about $800.  This would maybe get us a run down 2 bedroom which would be ok for now but not for the growing family we want.  One thing i HATE in life is moving.  I cannot stand it!  And so to get a place for only a year or two and then have to move again is NOT my idea of a good time.  So we looked into buying a house.

We decided on what would be a comfortable monthly payment after the mortgage, property taxes, PMI (private mortgage insurance since we do not have the 20% down) and all that other lovely stuff and then that decided our maximum price for a home.  Then we searched for houses online we though we'd like and drove to each house and looked and the neighborhood and the outside of the house.  If we didn't like what we saw we threw the listing out and never thought of it again.  Then we went with our relator and looked at the houses we did like and in the end we found the house we our buying :)

It's a lovely 3 bed 1 bath home around 1,150sqft.  It is listed for $120,000 so our monthly mortgage payment will be $850 and then we have utilities and maintenance on top of that.  Not bad at all for owning our own place since we couldn't come near a deal like that if we were renting :)  It is an adorable little house that has new vinyl windows, new vinyl siding, central air and heat, a new water heater, insulation in the attic and it has 7 raised garden beds and a clothes line in the yard along with a garden shed and covered carport and a fully fenced yard.  Just what we were looking for.

I am so excited to finally get settled into our own home.  Before we move in we are going to have to have the house rewired since nothing in the house is grounded (it's all 2-wiring).  And then i'm going to paint and i also want to pull up the carpets (which are a lovely *pink* color) and re-finish the wood floors underneath.  It will be a lot of work but i think in the end i'm gonna love it and it will be worth it.

Hopefully if everything goes well we'll be able to sign papers next week but for sure by the end of the month.

So needless to day i am very excited.  I've been pouring endlessly over blogs and book for decorating ideas and i have non stop thoughts of things i would like to do.  I cannot *wait* to have my own yard that i can tend to.  Our own garden to grown delicious healthy food.  And have our own chickens with fresh eggs!  oh that will be so much fun!! (we already have 2 hens that i got from a friend).

  I really cannot wait.  So here's to crossing our fingers!